I was watching the movie “Pi” years ago. During the drill-to-the-head scene, most people in the theatre winced or groaned. I, on the other hand, exhaled with a visceral understanding of and almost longing for a similar release. To this day, when I get a migraine, I imagine a drill releasing the blinding, dizzying pain behind my left eye. Replaying this image over and over in my head sometimes actually helps me relax enough to fall asleep.
Part of the longing to take a drill to my head during a migraine is the sense that otherwise the migraine will never end. I have (as yet) never had a migraine last longer than four or five days. So there is no personal precident for this fear of never-ending pain. But in the moment–in each moment of growing or lingering pain–my mind can’t seem to accept that the pain will eventually go away. My mind is so mired in the present that it cannot imagine a future without pain, even though it has experienced that state of being in the past. As my mind is saying, “Now is all there is,” my body contracts around the migraine making any mind-body/spiritual/alternative efforts at healing virtually doomed to fail.
So here’s the part that’s good about migraines, the proverbial silver lining: they force me to live quite acutely in the moment.
I normally live in my head more easily than in the physical here and now. Over the years I have practiced numerous techniques to remind myself to be more present. Having kids is a surefire way to be present, at least periodically. Going through natural childbirth was a revelation all three times in living in the moment. And even breastfeeding has given me opportunities to get out of my head. Without these activities that pretty much require being fully present, I still have to remind myself to be there (here, wherever). It’s just not something that comes naturally to me, even though I feel better than normal when I do live in the moment.
Between migraines at the moment and not railing against seemingly interminable pain, I had this epiphany that the purpose of my migraines is to force me to live in the moment more often. As such, perhaps if I did so more on my own, I would have fewer migraines as I would no longer need them.
Something I will have to contemplate.
: )
